Goals

So I realized that right before I turned 24, shortly after we moved to NC, (summer 2013) I was so miserable and so I decided to make a list of things I wanted in life. A list of ways to better myself. Sort of like resolutions? But I hate that word. So I actively did those things and would look back at the list over the year and kind of just take a mental note of progress. They were very simple. Drink more water, paint and read more, etc. I realized the next summer (may 2014) that I had done everything on that list and was so proud and happy. It really had improved my life so it is a time to make a new list for the life I have now. So here it is.

+ A quilt.
I have a sewing machine but I never use it so my goal for this next year is it to make a simple quilt/blanket. I have one in mind and it is really really easy so I just gotta do it!

+Mosaic
I have always wanted to break some shit and put it in concrete in a beautiful way and make a mosaic. Just at some point this year, something simple.

+WATA
Or also known as water. drink it! Lots of it!

+Don’t underestimate yourself but stop when it hurts
This is key with fibromyalgia. You can do more than you know but don’t hurt yourself.

+Crystals, Gems, Rocks
Commune, collect, grow

+While I am at it organize my 5 year olds rock, gem collection.

+Two Years No Alcohol In October
Shouldn’t be hard to continue to not drink, but I am still proud of the accomplishment.

+Fall More in love with my husband
I love him now of course, but I want our relationship to continue to grow, and flourish, to have our roots go deeper and our branches taller. We have been together for 7 years and the last 6 months may have been our most challenging, but he is still the man I choose every time.

CREATE
Two parts:
Part 1 Continue to read and paint as much as I have these last two years Part 2 is to write more. It was my first love, it deserves more attention.

Anyways,

Love love love

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A Constellation of Vital Phenomena

My definition of a Constellation: a thing of wonder. A quote, a picture, a book, that reminds us that we are breakable, fragile beings, yet strong beyond measure connected in the darkness by our light. 

 This definition was inspired by my favorite book A Constellations of Vital Phenomena by Anthony Marra. It is only tied with The Book of Laughter and Forgetting by Milan Kundera. Nothing had been able to come close to Kundera’s book for years until I found ‘Vital Phenomena’ on a bookshelf by chance. I was skimming titles and my eyes were drawn to it. It was the single copy, I pulled it out of the shelf and held it with both hands. I ran my thumb down the spine and traced the letters of the title carefully with my other hand. Now, this sounds ridiculous, but my heart skipped a beat. It had the pull of a long lost lover. An energy that made me simultaneously want to cry and laugh. I read the description but it seemed to say nothing. I thought about putting it back, but my heart ached at the thought, so not even really understanding what it was about I wrapped both arms around it and held it tight to my chest.
I spent the next days with it and it became intwined with my soul. It fused with the very fiber of my being. I remember jokingly telling my husband that there had to be something about the slavic people that they always seem to find my heart. He is 100% Polish, Kundera is Czech and this book is about Chechnya and Russia. I saw it a few days ago on display in the new writers section up front at Barnes and Nobles and I was simultaneously excited for it finally get publicity but also filled with the urge to hide it, so it would be just mine.
It is about Chechnya and Russia and the cruelty of man. Also, our kindness and the holes we try to fill. It made me change my personal definition of a Constellation. It was a no longer a group of stars to me, it was now so much more. He doesn’t talk about it, just the over all tone of the book changed it, really without me even knowing it until later. I often think it, sometimes say it and people just smile and nod, confused.

Anyways, I saw the following quote the other day and all of that came back.

“The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent; but if we can come to terms with this indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of death — however mutable man may be able to make them — our existence as a species can have genuine meaning and fulfillment. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.”
Interviewed by Eric Nordern, Playboy (September 1968); later published in Stanley Kubrick: Interviews (2001) 

I have never thought of this as terrifying, I never found it cold. The world simply, as it is, made up of unknowable amounts of molecules, vibrating with the energy of long gone stars. The water we drink that long ago flew through space–freezing and re-freezing– finding its way through atmospheres and oceans and mountains and lakes and springs to quench your thirst or run through your fingers. 

It is but our grandest and most humble and honorable role to be simply human; made of stardust–ancient water and ancient earth. 

Love.love.love.

Ciera Haynes-brodowski 

Worlds Ending

It is 1 am and it’s the first time I have felt normal all day.
I guess I am sick, I was dizzy all day, extremely fatigued, headache, swollen glands, beginnings of a sore throat, etc.
I am so tired.
I am so sad.

Ugh, just incredibly….off. I feel like my insides and mind need to be cleaned, disinfected, rejuvenated…..along with my house. Everyone has been pretty just snotty and grosse on and off, seemingly for months now. I am not sure what it would be like for us all to feel good at the same time. Hopefully this season will pass soon. The wet, cold, grayness is fucking depressing.

I am so cheerful! haha

But I found this quote and I love it. I think it is a perfect description of depression.

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Love. Love. Love.

Long Legged Sunflower

I looked over today to see my wild-ling of a two year old standing, just staring off and I was struck by his legs. They were suddenly so long, it happened seemingly over night, and there, in just his diaper and pajama shirt with his blonde wild hair he reminded me of a sunflower.

Tall–strong–a bit gangly and weird–yellow headed–usually a bit of a mess. Wild sunflowers are never perfect, and my Patton is definitely a bit of a mess. but you are struck by their beauty anyways. It was only a moment though, a full, whole, second , maybe even two…and then, like he knew I was looking, turned and grinned. Then he was gone, back through the house in the next second.

It is sappy but the moments of grandeur in the middle of a rainy, otherwise, dreary, Wednesday keep me sane.

My friend messaged me and said that it had been too many cold, grey days in a row. Which is the perfect description.

love. love. love

.

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So, 2015, what’s up?

I haven’t written in so long.
Well, I have written, just not on here.
So much has happened.
Long story short, I turned 25 years old in August with so much hope and excitement.
My oldest started kindergarten that same month. (!!)
Then my husband lost his job in September right as I started back at school so everything fell apart. I ended up having to withdraw from classes to work full time until he could get hired. But As of now he has worked at his current employer since the beginning of November, so like 2.5 months.
My chronic pain and fibromyalgia went out of control (probably because of stress and weather) and I have had hardly any quality of life and have to come to terms with what I will be ability to do career wise.
I started school back last week, my 5 year old Is kicking ass in kindergarten, and my two year old is growing like a weed and is as wild as ever.
I had a pretty physically (and emotionally) painful miscarriage in November.
I have gained the 15lbs back that I lost in the beginning of 2014 from just eating my feelings. (They taste so good drenched in cheese and ranch! hahah 🙂 )
I had to cut ties with an emotionally draining “best friend” recently, and I have been so much happier becaeuse of it, which feels weird.

So yeah. A big, crappy ridiculous first half of being 25. So many other things happened as well; Illness, daily struggles, financially, emotionally, cars being towed, dreams reevaluated, family tragedies….

It has just been hard. I think that’s fair. I don’t think that’s ungrateful. It is the truth.

There have been some deep depressive holes but today I am okay. I have anxiety about school and life and what comes next. I am grieving for the path I lost when my body turned against me with my fibromyalgia and chronic pain issues. I am mourning the fact that I want more babies and I can’t carry them because of my fibromyalgia and my mind and adopting is so far off and may never come.

I think that year 24 was a year that I owned and really excelled in and then 25 came around and I was so sure it would be the same and I got knocked on my ass. I am slowly getting up and brushing myself off. It is taking time.

I am so incredibly thankful for what I didn’t lose or for what didn’t get mangled on the way through.

Anyways here I am, slightly older, I am not sure that I am wiser and I am not even sure I am any stronger, but perhaps if anything, I could Say I Am braver.

So. To being brave in 2015.

Love.love.love.

Sleep

It’s not late,
it’s not early.
I want to stay up.
Awake.
but my body is fighting that mightily. My body gave up on me ages ago and so tonight is no surprise. There’s never enough sleep to rest a body racked with chronic pain. My mind though, my mind….I wish I could just stay awake. I want more hours to myself after the kids have gone to bed. I want to read or paint or roll around in bed with my sexy husband….but my eyes are so heavy and my body so sore. I’m angry. I have ideas I need to get out but I can’t fight it much longer. I turn on some music, my last ditch attempt to feel or do something meaningful before sleep takes me.

Sleep, my closest most loved friend and much hated enemy. A caretaker that plays the bad guy and calls me in before I’m ready.

Were you loved enough?

“Were you loved enough?”
“What’s enough?”
-The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

Yesterday, I came home from work and sat in the floor in tears. I was broken. I was in pain, my fibromyalgia is flaring up, I was exhausted, I was stressed because it seems no matter how much I work I don’t make enough lately. So I sit a broken, defeated lady and I was met by the horse-dog Sadie lady. She almost knocked me over as she clumsily tried to sit in my lap and lick my face off. Boston our smaller dog was right beside her wiggling and licking my hands, my face, anything he could get to in the commotion. I finally got them to lay down and Doom kitty our black cat comes out and rubs up against the dogs purring and then rubs up all over me, purring and loving on me too. My tiny general jumped on me with a big hug, and my oldest reminded me that even though he was too busy to cuddle right now his “self-conscious” was with me. He was in my heart and I was in his heart. It was then, as I was sitting on the floor laughing through my tears, surrounded by small mammals that, I realized, that this is what being loved enough feels like.

This is enough.