So….some news. 

So I am coming here to write, to reach out, to set out into the universe and the world what is swirling around my brain. I don’t currently have people I can really talk to about this. “This” is the news of my 6 year old having depression , possibly bipolar, definitely a lot of anxiety. We are taking him to the doctor tomorrow morning. I’m going to go in first and tell the doctors everything has been going on for months. Then I assume he will want to talk to Anders himself and then do tests to rule out a physical cause for the anxiety, lethargy, sadness, irritability, meltdowns. He has been cycling, weeks of okay happiness and then weeks of misery. I can’t help but feel guilty , my genes caused this, maybe even being around me when I’m depressed or sick from my lupus or fibromyalgia and he feels the need to take care of me. He doesn’t have to, but he loves me and wants to help me, wants to be there for me and he really doesn’t do much more than just cuddle or maybe get me a drink, but I suppose the idea weighs on little minds. 

I was a depressed child, on and off, I remember fantasizing about dieing in 3rd grade, wishing the bus I was in would wreck and I’d be the only death. When puberty hit, it went from off and on to deep down misery all of the time. I don’t know what to do. I mean I do and I am doing what I know I should do, take him to the doctor, get him help. 

My mom knows and said she really felt he needed to go to the doctor after seeing his sadness this past weekend, but she is dealing with her own things right now and I just don’t feel like I can discuss it with her, We just don’t. My best friend, she is pregnant and so busy and so stressed and I just feel like she doesn’t have the time and I don’t want to put this weight on her. Basically I feel alone and don’t have anybody to say “one of the worst things that could happen has happened.” My son got my disease  And I am not mentally and physically prepared and definitely financially in an awful place. I am so depressed right now because of our financial situation, because of thing after thing falling through, from my pain, from my genes, from my  relationship with my husband is incredibly strained because of everything. 

It’s not fair, he is  too young. I know it’s not cancer, I know it’s not 8 billion other things that technically are worse. But this feels similar to someone telling me has cancer. If he had cancer he’d have more choices and I would have more support, it’s a bad thing in a different way. People don’t blame the parents of kids with cancer for their disease, but people blame parents of kids with psychological issues all the time. We even blame ourselves, we run through every moment we said the wrong thing or perhaps weren’t supportive enough. This is something he could have for the rest of his life, he is hurting so much and he doesn’t understand why. 
I feel alone. We are moving in the next week (it’s not a choice, we have to) we have barely enough to do it. I mean we sold our tv and I have pawned every valuable piece of jewelry I have except my engagement and wedding band. Neither of which would get much anyway. There have been times the last month when I wasn’t sure how I’d feed my children that night, but I always scrounged something up, ramen, rice, scalloped potatoes, or asked my parents for money. We are 3 months behind on our car payment. I can’t work because I’m too sick. My husband has a job . They didn’t pay him for the first three weeks of training by a shitty technicality. He is slowly picking up sales and looking for other jobs but right now It’s not enough. We are trying so hard. 

It’s just a lot. And my baby is hurting and I can’t help him, I can’t fix it, and I wouldn’t wish depression or severe anxiety on anyone, especially a child. 

Just think of my family , send out some hope and love on behalf of our struggles.  We all have our struggles and I am so grateful for the good things in my life. I want that to be known. This isn’t the end and i am trying to stay positive. I just need some compassion right now. We all do sometimes. 

In other things….

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