Just make it to the next second.

9:30 am

I am so tired.

Was my first thought this morning. 

Anders my oldest puked last night and then promptly fell asleep. My husband takes him to school and so deemed this morning he was still too sick to go to school. My 2 year old woke me up at 9:30. I was sicker than yesterday and instantly felt it. I got us all orange dreamsicles for breakfast and told Anders he needed to go to school because he seemed to feel better. We are already getting letters about truancy because he has been so sick this year. So I ate my dreamsicle and packed us up. 

That makes it sound easy. 

It wasn’t. 

There was dressing and redressing and I only got the two year old to leave the house by threatening to leave him alone, so he finally  came running after us. 

I got to school and took Anders in. The secretary asked why he was late and I said he had been sick last night but seemed okay now. She asked if I wanted him to see the nurse. “Yeah, that would be great. I would feel better about it.” And I would. I hate not knowing whether to send them to school or not. The nurse saw him quickly and said he had a very red throat and flushed cheeks and could have strep. She recommended him staying home if I was able to let him. I wanted to cry in that moment, I suddenly felt so tired and wanted to say “I could have just stayed home! But you people are threatening to put me in jail because he is sick!” But I didn’t. 

She must have seen my anguish, or just that I, too, felt like falling over, because she said “He is so sweet. You just want to squeeze him, you just can’t help but love him.” 

I smiled and touched his hair. “Yeah I’m always squeezing you aren’t I? ” 

He smiled his sweet silly grin and nodded. She said “you are so lucky.” 

I don’t know if she says that to everybody, but a lot of adults say that about Anders. He has a sweet heart, he is a lover, and it’s nice to hear. 

Deep breathe. I am so lucky. Deep breathe. 

We went back to the car, I called my husband on the way to the grocery store to tell him about Anders and apologize for being mean about letting him stay home. It was a short trip, the shortest I could make it. 

{Bread, ice cream,broccoli, edamame, cat food. }

But I still felt like I was going to fall over by the end of it. 

I thought about driving through to get food but I just wanted my bed. 

At home I quickly made peanut butter sandwiches and bananas for the boys. I turned on Netflix and took my own bowl of cereal into my room. 

I texted my husband and apologized for the house being a mess and that I wasn’t going to be able to clean it. It wasn’t really an apology for him, he doesn’t care. It was an apology to myself and to the kids for having to watch tv all day and our dogs that aren’t gonna be walked for awhile. I know he will say it’s okay and to rest. I turn over and pull my comforter up. I see a Popsicle stick and a huge wet, orange spot in my comforter. I instantly realize that my 2 year olds dreamsicle had disappeared rather quickly earlier. He had sat it down on my bed and it had melted. I moved the comforter so the wet part wouldn’t be touching me and tried to rest until the Animal Mechanicals episode is over. 

11:57 am

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