When I was a teenager I used to have this idea that I would one day, probably in my 50s or 60s,move to a small house on a mountain. I’d have dogs and maybe a horse or two. I’d go into town every week to buy what I needed. I would be mysterious, and infamous in that way that old people living alone, that keep to themselves are. The towns people would speculate at my life, telling made up stories and guesses over coffee and pie. I would drop hints here and there in small conversation, enough to get them wondering.
My house would be filled with books, bookshelves–floor to ceiling. I’d have my Tibetan prayer flags around the porch, along with the wind chimes and stained glass lanterns. I imagine my house wouldn’t be much different than it is now. Probably just cleaner without the kids. In this story I never had kids. I had great loves and a career but after one too many heartbreaks from the world I had bid ado to its cruelties and built my peace in a small house filled with books and dogs and love on the side of a mountain. I’d live out my days there among my poetry and stories and I would be happy.
It’s a beautiful story that reveals a truth about me. That I have always felt alone and that I knew I would eventually tire of dealing with the world and trying to connect with people that were never going to understand me, so my house on the mountain would be my resting place. I’d have to be able to say I tried though so I couldn’t run off right away. I’d have to make love and have sex and make money and lose it and make it back or not…..but look for peace in the world And when I didn’t find it, like I knew I wouldn’t, I would head home.
But now I have children and a husband. My story is already much different. I still feel lonely, I still get overwhelmed by the world, but these relationships have taught me the peace in laughter and a kiss or a hug.
I figure I will still end up on the side of a mountain somewhere eventually. Perhaps I just will have grandchildren to read my stories to and I won’t always go into town alone, but with my husband.
Hope so at Least.
Love love love