So, 2015, what’s up?

I haven’t written in so long.
Well, I have written, just not on here.
So much has happened.
Long story short, I turned 25 years old in August with so much hope and excitement.
My oldest started kindergarten that same month. (!!)
Then my husband lost his job in September right as I started back at school so everything fell apart. I ended up having to withdraw from classes to work full time until he could get hired. But As of now he has worked at his current employer since the beginning of November, so like 2.5 months.
My chronic pain and fibromyalgia went out of control (probably because of stress and weather) and I have had hardly any quality of life and have to come to terms with what I will be ability to do career wise.
I started school back last week, my 5 year old Is kicking ass in kindergarten, and my two year old is growing like a weed and is as wild as ever.
I had a pretty physically (and emotionally) painful miscarriage in November.
I have gained the 15lbs back that I lost in the beginning of 2014 from just eating my feelings. (They taste so good drenched in cheese and ranch! hahah 🙂 )
I had to cut ties with an emotionally draining “best friend” recently, and I have been so much happier becaeuse of it, which feels weird.

So yeah. A big, crappy ridiculous first half of being 25. So many other things happened as well; Illness, daily struggles, financially, emotionally, cars being towed, dreams reevaluated, family tragedies….

It has just been hard. I think that’s fair. I don’t think that’s ungrateful. It is the truth.

There have been some deep depressive holes but today I am okay. I have anxiety about school and life and what comes next. I am grieving for the path I lost when my body turned against me with my fibromyalgia and chronic pain issues. I am mourning the fact that I want more babies and I can’t carry them because of my fibromyalgia and my mind and adopting is so far off and may never come.

I think that year 24 was a year that I owned and really excelled in and then 25 came around and I was so sure it would be the same and I got knocked on my ass. I am slowly getting up and brushing myself off. It is taking time.

I am so incredibly thankful for what I didn’t lose or for what didn’t get mangled on the way through.

Anyways here I am, slightly older, I am not sure that I am wiser and I am not even sure I am any stronger, but perhaps if anything, I could Say I Am braver.

So. To being brave in 2015.

Love.love.love.

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