What I need

I know that I don’t NEED more stuff to fill my walls and shelves.

I know I don’t NEED more books than I could or ever will read.

I don’t need to try to fill my void with shopping for books, for trinkets, for little colorful things that make me feel good for awhile.

I suppose I need to rest, not to sleep, but to rest.

I need to close my eyes and listen to my boys laughter when I’m in my deep, dark, ocean of sadness and hold on tight like it is my lifesaver.

Because IT IS.

I need to let the people that love me, love me. Let them hold me, let them care for me the best they can.

I need to let go of what I can’t change in this moment.

I think I need to close my eyes more, not just when I am sleeping.

I said to my husband

“I have a wonderful life, I have beautiful boys, I have ridiculous dogs and a cat that love me. I have so much of what so many people want. And I still can’t find the will to live. It is still hard to breathe.”

“But you do. you are still here.”

He is right. I am still here. One moment at a time.

Love. Love. Love.

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