Easter

Holidays can get tricky because I am more in the Buddhist boat and my husband is catholic and the rest of my family is Protestant. I usually smile along and make the most of it and celebrate and bring out the true, loving, kindness behind each Christian holiday. I don’t know what I believe about him rising from the dead, but I believe he was a great man, and I see nothing wrong in celebrating him and teaching unconditional love to my children. I did have to work this morning but I had got each of the boys their own sketchbooks and cases for markers, some bubbles, and stickers. They LOVED it. They genuinely loved getting their own sketchbooks so they don’t have to paint and draw in mine anymore. I guess while I was at work my mom and husband did the egg hunt with the boys which I was disappointed about but it’s okay. We still got to do the Mexican party eggs!! So here are some pictures from that madness:

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The first picture is the aftermath and the boys painting some things my mom had brought them, the second is a picture of me! Lol and the rest are self explanatory cuteness. I love the last one. Patton looking down smiling, Anders grinning. Pure joy.

Anders has already begged for more eggs for his birthday in a few weeks! They were so fun!

Love. Love. Love.

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My wish

Me and my husband got to go on a date yesterday! We went to the art district in Charlotte and then chipotle for lunch. We went to our favorite shop, it’s full of Latin American items, hand made day of the dead decorations, jewelry, stuffed animals handmade in Peru out of alpaca fur, etc. It is SO cool. But it also has a lot of religious items from all religions. It has Buddhas, crosses, Hindu gods, books about Judaism, books about all the religions, so many beautiful handcrafted items. It is a colorful, loving, spiritual place. Yesterday, we bought some sage, some more Buddhist prayer flags, some Mexican eggs that have confetti in them (I can’t remember the real name) , and a catholic talisman. But I got this really cool box and Joseph carrying baby Jesus there awhile back:

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Anyways, they had a crystal on a chain that you hold up, clear your mind and ask it a yes or no question. If it begins to spin it means no, and if it stays still it means yes. When we got to the car my husband told me that he had tried it out. He said I could rest assured because we weren’t going to get a divorce and he was going to get a good job in the next few years. I laughed, “is that really what you asked it?” I said. He frowned, a little embarrassed, and answered, “well, what existential questions would you have asked it?” I replied without a second thought. “If I was going to be okay.”
“What?”
“I would ask if I was going to be okay. It is what I have always wished for, I have even asked a magic 8 ball.”
“Really?”
” I mean I’m sure when I was younger I had lighter child like wishes, I just don’t remember them, but for the last ten-plus years that is what I wanted. It’s what I’ve wished for on every coin, every birthday candle, eyelash and dandelion. Just to be okay.”
He nodded knowingly and reached over and held my hand as we drove.
It was in this moment that I realized the profundity of such a simple and incredibly complex wish. A wish, a hope, perhaps too heavy for birthday candles and dandelion seeds to carry.

What I need

I know that I don’t NEED more stuff to fill my walls and shelves.

I know I don’t NEED more books than I could or ever will read.

I don’t need to try to fill my void with shopping for books, for trinkets, for little colorful things that make me feel good for awhile.

I suppose I need to rest, not to sleep, but to rest.

I need to close my eyes and listen to my boys laughter when I’m in my deep, dark, ocean of sadness and hold on tight like it is my lifesaver.

Because IT IS.

I need to let the people that love me, love me. Let them hold me, let them care for me the best they can.

I need to let go of what I can’t change in this moment.

I think I need to close my eyes more, not just when I am sleeping.

I said to my husband

“I have a wonderful life, I have beautiful boys, I have ridiculous dogs and a cat that love me. I have so much of what so many people want. And I still can’t find the will to live. It is still hard to breathe.”

“But you do. you are still here.”

He is right. I am still here. One moment at a time.

Love. Love. Love.