Looking for Alaska

{{{I wrote this in February but for some reason did not post it! Better late than never}}}

I recently read The Fault In Our Stars by JohnGreen and I loved it. I entered it with trepidation because I can be a book snob and usually shy away from new books everyone loves. I read it because I love John Green and I really just needed to dive in. Any who, I loved it. I do think it would have felt more relevant to me if I had read it before I had kids but I still loved it. SO I wanted to read more of John Green’s work and I chose Looking For Alaska. I haven’t thrown a book across the room in a long time, but 170 pages in tonight that is exactly what happened…..I threw the book across the room and burst into tears. If you have read the book you know why I did this. If you haven’t I am about to spoil everything so this is your warning.


She dies. Alaska fucking dies. Are you kidding me? Nope, not kidding you. It’s heart wrenching and mostly unexpected. I think it hit me like a ton of bricks because she dies in the same way and similar circumstances my best friend died years ago. 2007. After I put myself back together I picked up the book and continued to read. As I read, my heart ached so much for my Alaska, my Nicholas that is gone, for his mother, for his brothers, for book Alaska, for her friends and I found myself wishing so much I could go back and I could give myself this book then. I wish I could look 17 year old me in the eyes and say “you live through this, it stops hurting all the time, you will learn to breathe again. Read this book and you won’t feel so alone. ”

I talked to him just hours before he died, I told him not to go out, he laughed and told me he would be just fine. I worried too much he said.

It is strange how life works. The night he got into his accident I was talking to him on the phone in Asheville in my friend’s dorm just hours after I had met my now husband (Viktor) for the first time. I didn’t see Viktor again until I moved to Asheville a broken mess, a year later. It has been 13 years since I met my dear friend Nick at a birthday party, 7 years since I met Viktor for the first time and the awful thing happened, 6 years since I moved to Asheville, 5 years since the birth of our first son, 3 years since my mother-in-law died and 2 years since the birth of my second son. Life is treacherous and amazing and awful and everything…and somehow it keeps going on.

Love. Love. Love.


Painting, where are you?

That’s what my almost 2 year old (!!!) says when he wants to paint. He walks around the house with his hands to his mouth saying “paintingggg, ‘air are youuuuu????” It is super cute. He loves to paint and color and create. He is constantly wanting to paint. This morning we painted some bird houses, and I tried to put the painting apron on him but he would ONLY wear it as a cape.


My little superhero painting.

I got an epidural yesterday for my spinal swelling, bulging disc, pars defect problems. I’ve been really sore so we’ve done lots of coloring to minimize the jumping. Haha In other medical news we just upped my antidepressant and it seems to have made me even more anxiety ridden. Hopefully it will even out. Anxiety is paralyzing.

Also, I need to find a therapist in my area. I dread having to find someone I like,breaking them in, etc. it’s such a long process. I have only ever had one therapist I really felt comfortable and connected with, so wish me luck!

Love. Love. Love.