Bukowski

I woke up this morning after nightmares throughout the night and thought, no, I feltthe weight of sadness on me and the partial disappointment of waking up. My first thought after the feeling was “I’m not going to make it through this day.” Then, the Charles Bukowski quote came into my head.

” Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.”

It was literally what gave me the strength to get up and to maybe put down some of that weight. After coffee, meds, and sweet smiles from the tiny humans I felt better. I worked a double today but I was able to keep a somewhat level attitude. I really want to get a Bukowski book, because I’m in love with every thing I’ve read so far but I’ve never read one of his books. So my goal this week is to obtain one.

I can hear my husband in the other room telling a bedtime story to the boys in polish (his parents and brother were immigrants, so it was his first language) and the babes are cracking up. I’m not sure if they are laughing at the story or his overly dramatic hand motions that I know he is making. Either way it’s really crazy and cute.

Have a wonderful week people.

Love. Love. Love.

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Tuesday (because that’s all I can think of for a title)

I have a tattoo on my arm of the Roman numeral for 5,000 and a sir Walter scott poem about the Bedlam asylum in England. It is to remember the thousands of people that have been lost and forgotten in mental hospitals over the centuries. If I had been born in a different time I might have been lost, so I got the tattoo to remember them. The reason I am telling you this is because I just started serving again at a restaurant about a month ago. Which means meeting new people ( hopefully new friends) and tattoos came up at work one day. I have quite a few so they wanted to see them. This, then led to them asking what they mean, especially that one. I awkwardly stumbled for the words and trying to decide wether or not to tell them I was bipolar. Then I just said it and then stuttered some more and then very poorly and inefficiently explained what that tattoo means. It was awkward and I looked like a weirdo stumbling over myself. They handled it well but I just wish I had found the words more eloquently. Not to mention now I’m being paranoid that they are going to see me differently and not like me. I know social anxiety is kind of ridiculous (they are just people) but it’s super real!! You should see me greet tables sometimes haha. Taking a plate from the table has probably brought about the most awkward/weird moments though. Ciera Brodowska, supplying the world with uncomfortable moments since 1989.

Happy Tuesday people!

Love. Love. Love.

Just..love

Hello people it has been awhile!

I have been going through a period of time (my confidence as a mother comes and goes, which is pretty normal I think) where I am feeling like I am failing as a mother but I just had an epiphany. I mean my pillows have strawberry stains on them and they don’t get a bath every single night and we don’t do interactive learning crafts everyday and my oldest really just wants to eat Mac and cheese all the time and a lot of the time I let him. I get on Pinterest and am bombarded with all this fitness crap that makes me feel like I look wrong and organic, healthy eating, natural toys, all the trillions of activities to do to make your kid the smartest kid ever…etc. It is exhausting. I am exhausted by all these perfect women and all their energy and their anxiety about every possible toxin….I am exhausted for them. I yell, I lose my temper, but I am good at apologizing (with my children at least, other relationships need some work lol). A couple of days ago, I was really sad and so I didn’t play and I didn’t do any crafts and they mostly ran around on their own(ish)and watched tv etc. and I was hating myself for that. Then tonight I thought, yeah maybe I didn’t play super mom but I told them I loved them at least 7 times that day followed by a kiss on the head or a squeeze of the hand or a wink. Knowing you are loved can’t be that bad and if love and a hug is the most I can muster that day, then so what if they watched way more television than they should have? My 4 year old is one of the kindest humans I know. He tells his loved ones he loves them all the time, he’s very affectionate, he has patience, and understanding and I’m not saying that’s all from me but I will say knowing you’re loved can give you the space and capacity to become kind. I don’t know. Just…love your children for who they are, every part of them, teach them kindness, hug them everyday and they will most likely turn out pretty well. Sensory boxes are a plus but they don’t create good human beings.

Love. Love. Love.