Today

I am feeling full today, emotionally and spiritually full. Full of calm, and sureness and excitement and love and competence, the kind of feelings you get when you close your eyes and let the sun hit your face. You can feel it warming every atom in your body, nudging them to life, giving so much and asking nothing in return. It’s been days of sadness and anxiety, anger and delusions and just these last few hours giving way to some peace and happiness. I can understand that it’s my brain chemicals up swinging from a low but I’m not going to think about it, I’m going to let it be as real as it feels. I try not to label my feelings when i feel ok or happy or more than that but I label my depression, the delusions, and anxiety because if I tell myself it’s not real then I can fight it off and wait it out, knowing it has an end. I don’t know if its healthy or not but it has gotten me this far.

My oldest baby is turning 4 this Sunday which is also Mother’s Day so we are going to celebrate all weekend! I love birthdays, I love making them special, everybody deserves to feel important for at least a day. He is so clever and silly and sweet. I am really proud of him. He truly owns himself and I hope that never changes.

The Crimson Horror episode was last nights Doctor Who, didn’t love it but I’m going to watch it again and see if that changes. They need to get to explaining Clara because I really don’t like her and yeah….Doctor Who revolves around my wants right?!

I’m going to go tickle and play with the almost birthday boy who has come out of his tyrannical 3’s ! Hooray! Three years old is a ridiculous age. Here is to year 4 of momma hood!

Love. Love. Love.

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