Heaviness

I’ve never been a truly naive person. There were times in highschool I had two jobs and have always taken care of myself well, but I have always, somewhat purposively, kept the real world at bay. I have never been able to watch the news or to hear of the horrible things in the world. I hate that about myself because I feel as human beings it is our responsibility to learn about the world and even the horrific (especially the horrific) in order to change and improve it. Loss and abuse are things that I have known personally and I find sad things comforting…to a point. I can’t watch truly awful things happen to other people. I can’t even watch MMA fights because the brutality bothers me so much. When I watch the news, when I hear of horrible things happening to other people it isn’t a short term discomfort, it is a heavy weight I can not shake. I remember news stories from years and years ago, some I think about almost everyday. It can get kind of insane and I just can’t do it.

If you have ever read The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd (Beautiful book!!!) there is a character, May Boatwright, and she is affected by everything. She cries uncontrollably over even the simplest worries. She has a wall that they call the wailing wall where she stuffs pieces of papers that she would write the worries and heaviness on just to give them to something else to hold. While hers is to a super, extreme point, sometimes I feel just like May. Maybe some people can handle 100% of reality, 98% of the time, but for me, as shameful, as it might be…I just can’t do it. I wasn’t built for it. My head can be in the clouds at times and I always thought…I don’t know what I thought….but now, lately I think its because the heaviness of all this life is breaking me. I feel 20 years older than I am and 50 years more tired.

Anyways, on a lighter note (haha see what I did there?) sleep number beds are the best when you sleep in the middle. No joke.

love. love. love.

heavy.

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